when you talk to me, my hands shake. i’m so lame.
A lot of people say their relationship has a lot of obstacles, a lot of people think their love is secret & forbidden but honestly… Our love was the perfect example of all these things. I laugh at what people call ‘difficult’ nowadays. I laugh at what they think is love. Love is sacrifice. Love is survival. Love is crazy and insane and wonderful and beautiful. I could never describe it. I look back at the last 7 years and my heart swells up, I can’t believe we made it so far after so much shit. I could write a long ass novel with our love story. I don’t regret a thing, i would do it all over again, relive all the nights i spent sobbing in my bed because being away from you was a nightmare… I would do it again because it would only make me love you more. It amazes me and fills me with a happiness I could never explain….
If I was in the nicest most beautiful place in the world without you, I would be sad. If I was in the ugliest place in the world WITH YOU, I would be the happiest girl in the world.
I love the little things. Like the sunlight coming in through the window while I shower and seeing all the small details of every drop, the sparkle and beauty in the water. I love laying in bed and suddenly smelling my mothers cooking from downstairs through the air vent. I love the glow of the candlelight and the dancing shadows it makes. I love the fresh air and sunshine. I love the moon and the stars. I love laying in the grass under the sun. I love walking at night under the moonlight. I love remembering everything about you, all the time…
I miss how you would rub your eye socket and face into my shoulder lol. I miss how you would grab the tip of the blanket and trace your lips with it. I miss how you would never kill an ant but you would put them on your face to tickle you. I miss the way you smell. I miss the way you taste and the way you kiss and I miss your touch and your voice. I miss you so much and it kills me everyday.
I want to hurt myself. I want to burn. I want my body to be torn into a million pieces. I want to die the slow painful death I deserve. I hate myself. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I disgust myself. I want to punch, slap, scratch myself until I’m bloody and blue. I want to die. I want to punish myself for being the piece of shit that I am. I want to burn in hell. I want to fucking kill myself. I hate myself! I hate myself! I hate myself! I’m a fucking piece of shit. I deserve to die. Im stupid, ugly, and disgusting. I want to hurt myself so bad. I want to feel pain for everything I have done. I want to burn slowly for all my sins and then I want to die alone. Just like I deserve to.
I just wish you knew what you wanted. I wish I could count on you, for your words to be stable… I wish that we could stop playing games, I wish that you loved me enough to take a leap and just be with me.
I want nothing more than to make you happy. I just want us to love each other and be happy together. I want things to be like before, I know that it’s possible because me and you haven’t changed that much. You know the real me and I know the real you and I know that deep down we are still those same people…
What a wretched bittersweet feeling. When I look back I can say I truly lived life. I had an exciting and beautiful life and I hate to see that things aren’t like that anymore. What’s worse? Things will never be the same… I feel my youth slipping away and it terrifies me. I want to hold on and never let go!
I feel as if my life has changed drastically in the past two years, I feel like I’m a different person and I feel like I’m living a different life, a life I don’t want or like… I used to be happy and confident, and I don’t have that anymore. I feel like I’ve been broken down and I feel like I’ve lost myself. All of it is my fault and my fault only. I was suffering for the stupid decisions I made but I also feel like I suffered far too long. As of recently, I feel a new page turning. I feel as if there is hope for me to be myself again and for me to be happy. I hate that all of this depends on him but what can I say? I am incomplete without him… These past two years without him were a nightmare, I lost myself… Because I am not myself without him. He is the only one that can make me happy… That power he has over me scares me but I’m willing to do whatever it takes to have him again. I just want my old self back, I want our love back, I want my life to be exciting and beautiful again like it was when I was with you. You’re the only one that brings magic into my life… I want you because I need you and I need you because I am not myself without you, you are a part of me now.
